A few days ago, my book distributor wanted permission to pulp the remaining 200 copies of Phoenix. For a moment I felt my shoulders droop – I had pinned so much hope on the book being my breakthrough novel, poured so much of myself into the words on those precious pages, that to pulp those pages would be like crushing my dreams.
I made arrangements to buy back the remaining copies, not even knowing what I’d do with them or where I’d store them. Local libraries and schools already have copies, as do my family and friends, all I knew was that I couldn’t let my dream end in such a brutal way.
As I paid the invoice to purchase my books, I felt an odd sense of relief. I’d known I hadn’t put enough energy into marketing or promotion, neither had I followed up with the sequels, which were written and ready for editing soon after Phoenix was released. It was as though, at the point I’d published Phoenix, I felt that I’d done all I needed to do, that the distributor would do the rest. Or maybe my real dream at that point was purely to hold, see and smell a real copy of my words. Or maybe I just didn’t know what to expect at all and had no real vision on which to focus. Whatever the truth back then was, is irrelevant now, what is relevant is that now, with the distributor closing its doors on my book, new and different doors may open.
I still have my dream of earning an income from my stories, still have my manuscripts and am still creating, these things haven’t changed. What has changed is my sense of urgency. Before, I wanted to prove to the world that I was worthy and I wanted to prove it then and there. Now I feel, that if I focus my energies better, have a real vision about where my books will take me and strive towards that vision, I will get to where I’m meant to. In the meantime, I will enjoy the journey and the gift of creativity that I have been blessed with.